Okay, SEGA. You can be honest with us. You’re not making Sonic the Hedgehog movies, are you? These are undercover Dragonball Z movies that you’re peddling as the video game mascot, am I right? Other than a zippy blue blur, a few Chaos rings, and of course, the presence of said mascots and a particular egg-shaped villain, these movies have almost nothing to do with the platform games. Instead, we get universe-destroying powers wielded by spiky-haired creatures who turn gold when they power up. They punch their way through entire worlds, and carry loads of existential fury, but everybody is cool once the dust settles. I just keep waiting for a giant dragon to show up to grant everyone’s wishes.
This isn’t much of a complaint, mind you. The first two Sonic movies are incredibly charming and if you’re a fan of the character stretching back to the Sega Genesis days, also quite nostalgic. They benefit from being the best of a subgenre that has a terrible track record, sure, but the films are quite enjoyable in the way you might enjoy sitting down for Saturday morning cartoons. And they have built quite a franchise for Paramount Pictures, including a Knuckles spinoff that bridged right into Sonic the Hedgehog 3, which stubbornly sticks to the well-established formula.
In other words, the newly-established Team Sonic, led by the titular blue hedgehog (Ben Schwartz), Tails, (Colleen O’Shaughnessey), and the bruiser echidna Knuckles (Idris Elba) have a new foe to battle. Keanu Reeves voices Shadow, basically a dark twist on Sonic. Somehow the black-skinned hedgehog, who has been in suspended animation for fifty years by a shady government program, manages to be kinda cute and cuddly, too? That’s the magic of Keanu, I tell you. Shadow breaks free and he wants revenge on everyone for what he’s lost. Oh, and did I mention he’s like a million times stronger than Knuckles and faster than Sonic? This dark hedgehog kicks ass.
Bizarrely, the Sonic movies are the only thing that gets Jim Carrey out of bed anymore and he’s goddamn brilliant in them. He returns as the zany, presumed dead Dr. Robotnik, only now there’s also his long-lost grandfather Gerald, also played by Carrey. So we’re getting double the Carrey crazy for the price of one and it goes to some seriously weird telenovela dance break territory. Carrey is basically off on his own doing his own thing for much of the movie and I have to wonder if part of the agreement is that he doesn’t have to interact with any actual human beings. Some will say that Carrey is too talented to be doing stuff like this but I disagree. If these movies give him the freedom to cut loose comedically and have a good time, then they can have three Robotniks next time for all I care.
Sonic the Hedgehog 3 takes a page from its namesake and blasts through its plot at record speed. Like a triple-shot of caffeine, it roars past any semblance of emotional stakes. James Marsden and Tika Sumpter return as Sonic’s adoptive parents Tom and Maddie, for what amount to extended cameos as the screen gets increasingly flooded with CGI anthropomorphic creatures. Krysten Ritter has a cup of coffee as a government as a G.U.N. officer always one step behind. Of the human characters, it’s Lee Madjoub as Robotnik’s beleaguered assistant who has the best recurring storyarc. Gerald’s arrival only makes life more miserable for the loyal stooge who just wants Robotnik to be his friend. Awwww shucks.
When Sonic and Shadow battle, the entire planet is threatened with oblivion. The fly literally through space slugging it out, hurling around energy like Nerf footballs. It’s a ridiculous spectacle and looks nothing like Sonic the Hedgehog, but it’s also ridiculously cool to watch. True to form, this movie ends the way they all do with audiences teased by another popular character to get excited about in the sequel. Why fix what isn’t broken? Eventually these will run out of gas but Sonic the Hedgehog 3 still has a lot of pep in its step with no finish line in sight.
Paramount Pictures opens Sonic the Hedgehog 3 on December 20th.
