Well, video game movies…you had a pretty good run. We had almost forgotten that you were once the redhead stepchild of pop culture adaptations, thanks a streak of solid-to-good movies that appealed to gamers and casual fans alike. But then Borderlands comes along, feeling about ten years out of date and like some pathetic Guardians of the Galaxy knockoff, and reminds us how awful and an extreme waste of talent they can be.
Borderlands is based on a series of open world shooter games that have millions of fans. Look, I’m more of an Overwatch guy, but Borderlands has its charms. A roster of quirky weird characters with big personalities, an acid trip sense of humor, and the zany Mad Max-esque world of Pandora where it seems anything can happen. Theoretically it should make for a fun movie at bare minimum, and that’s without mentioning the cast, which is phenomenal. But this derivative, loud, charmless, poorly directed and painfully unfunny film should be “Game Over” to any hope of equal success on the big screen.
Cate Blanchett (!!!), who shot this before Tar by the way, plays the Han Solo/Star-Lord ripoff Lilith, a bounty hunter with a “shoot first” mentality and a spiky attitude. The evil corporate overlord Atlas (played by a charisma-free Edgar Ramirez) recruits Lilith, with the digital equivalent to a giant bag of cash, to rescue Tina (Barbie‘s Ariana Greenblatt), Atlas’ daughter who could be key to a prophecy and the opening of a secret vault on Pandora that has vexed Vault Hunters for generations.
While it’s painful to watch the great Blanchett spout lousy one-liners and try to convince us her smirk is genuine, the other odd bit of casting is Kevin Hart. The funnyman plays straight-laced soldier Roland, who in the film’s opening moments we see breaking Tina out of prison in a series of bland shootouts with Atlas goons. Joining Roland in the breakout is Krieg (boxer and Creed actor Florian Munteanu), a bruising psychopath who instantly becomes the team bruiser, the Drax equivalent. Actually, every character has a “Guardians” equivalent, which is why it feels so stale right off the bat.
What passes for action kicks off when Lilith arrives on Pandora, where you might get attacked by giant monsters or whisked away by a Vault Hunter tour bus the next. Jack Black voices Claptrap, a motormouth robot who is meant to be funny but is really annoying in the games and even worse in the movie. The best part about Claptrap is that Borderlands is so damn loud that most of his horrible jokes get drowned out. Eventually, Lilith encounters the others and, after a squabble or two, they realize they all really hate Atlas and must work together to stop him and his evil plans. It all works out remarkably well, almost like they were destined to be a bunch of a-holes together. Another Oscar winner, Jamie Lee Curtis, at least seems to be having a good time as Dr. Patricia Tannis, Tina’s foster mom.
How bad is the Borderlands script? Well, Craig Mazin, the writer of HBO’s Chernobyl and its amazing The Last of Us video game series, took his name off of the movie after it was given a rewrite by Roth and Joe Crombie. The film has been through its share of problems, including recent reshoots led by Tim Miller, director of Deadpool, Terminator: Dark Fate, and a producer on the far-superior Sonic the Hedgehog movies. None of the characters are given the barest sketch of an original personality. I can imagine a scenario where Blanchett signed on thinking Lilith would be a lot more interesting than she turned out to be. Hart has been more animated in the Borderlands press tour than he ever is in the actual movie. If Roland vanished without explanation it wouldn’t make a lick of difference to the story and the number of laughs would remain the same.
Roth is one of my favorite horror directors, but his escapades outside of the genre have been pretty terrible. He had to exit Borderlands reshoots in order to finish up Thanksgiving and thank goodness he did because that film rocks and this one stinks. He can find cool ways to shoot a decapitation every day of the week but his handling of widescale action is amateurish. The choreography is repetitive and shot without any sense of direction whatsoever. It’s a shame, too, because Blanchett’s Lilith looks cool, like a cross between Black Widow and Lara Croft. She’s got slick moves and boss weapons but Roth can’t find a way to highlight either.
The video game franchise is one that perpetuated the “loot box” craze that eventually drew backlash from gamers. Basically, you play or spend loads of real cash to acquire treasure chests that randomly offer rewards, like new weapons, skins, voices, etc. that are meant to extend your enjoyment. They’re the video game equivalent to playing the slot machine. Borderlands is the empty loot box of video game movies, promising a lot but delivering no rewards.
Borderlands is in theaters now.
